Monday, January 27, 2014

Am I OK?

I had to ask Brittany the other night If I was OK. I think I threw her for a loop, because if I am asking that question then I am probably not OK. Right?

I knew that I had not cried in awhile and that was starting to bother me. I felt detached and numb. I talked it out with her, cause that's just what we do. I talk, she listens. As Kirk declines I have to become more of a caregiver, plus do all I can to leave some of me left for my children. Which in itself is becoming a struggle.  So what I have discovered is that I am going into survival mode during those times. I block off my emotions, detached and face the task at hand head on. Is that healthy? I have no idea. Maybe I will give it the name "caregiver blitz".

We are coming into our 4th month of his 6 month prognosis. I continue to see a decline, but I'm praying believing for more time.

Parker will be here in 9 days. I made Kirk a "Countdown to Parker". Every day he marks it off. He will say "One more day till I am a Pops!" I absolutely cannot wait for these two guys to meet.

This disease is so mysterious. To me, anything that involves the brain is complex, mysterious, but very interesting.  I have had people mention different takes on Kirk's illness. I have been doing my own research. I have found that individuals that would have had Alzheimer's later on in their older age, if they have a trauma in their life it can trigger something in their brain to cause the disease to show itself early and rapidly. Three years ago Kirk had all of his teeth pulled at one visit and had dentures put in. For a man that is petrified of the dentist and never went this was a traumatic experience. I have to wonder if this set off what was destined to happen to Kirk later on in life.

One of my amazing friends took Kirk driving on Saturday. Kirk has been quite upset since the doctor took driving away. She took him driving in an open field and gave him the greatest gifts. Freedom and control. Two things he has lost through this horrible disease.  He had a look of determination. To give you a better picture, just imagine a dog hanging it's head out of the window of a moving car. Yep! That describes it! Thanks Jennifer for that gift! I love you!

To answer my own question......Am I OK? Yes, I am. Do I get down and a bit overwhelmed? Of course I do! I'm never alone, My friends, family and God are right there with me, in the trenches. Thank God I AM OK!

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