Sunday, October 30, 2016

Not mad anymore.......

I have never stopped loving God, I was just mad at Him. I am reading His word, praying consistently and talking to Him. I stopped for a while. I didn't know what to say. I am sure He got tired of hearing me ask "why". I feel my burden and my heart get a little lighter with each prayer and quiet moment I spend with Him. Today I hung a verse in our home that meant so much to Kirk. He bought this plaque for his office years ago. Today it was time to hang it back up. "Be still and know that I am God" Thank you for not giving up on me and knowing that I would find my way back to you.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Life after a few firsts........

I wish I could say it went off without a snag, but I would be completely lying.  I was surrounded by family and friends for the holidays.  A few things or people were missing. It's weird looking back in retrospect and picking apart the do's and don'ts and the I'll never do that agains. It's funny and sad how things turn out after losing a spouse. You lose a lot more than just a spouse.  Our anniversary was the first big one, April 11. Then came the girl's birthdays this past summer. September made its way and that probably was the hardest one for me. That's Kirk's birthday month.

I really want to stop and explain something to those that even still read my blog ....... Not because I feel I owe anyone an explanation. But because I know I'm not the only one who has suffered such a loss.  Although I lost an amazing man, my  husband, my love.   I never gave up hope of happiness. I was never naive about it, but I knew God had more planned for my children and I. My marriage to Kirk was good. Absolutely we had rough spots, but it was good and solid. I adored him.

My willingness to keep Kirk's love of life alive kept me, Bailey and the girls going. It captured our hearts and kept us moving and open to no boundaries of what God could do. I think that is where we screw up at times. We put boundaries on God of what He can do. When that happens, we can't see pass our hurt, our loss, our own face for that matter. I'm so thankful that we did not put God in a box. He showed me and my kids grace and so much undeserved love. God has allowed me to love again. I am so blessed by that.  I am very aware that others may disagree with me or even question me.  I know and those that have ever lost a spouse, you know.  Grief is an individual road and each road is so different.

My life is very much full of joy. It's changing and will never be the same. I choose to embrace change and welcome it. It does not mean we forget our loss or lose our love for that person. I choose to believe it is how we honor that person.

 I am so thankful for the love and patience that Rendall shows me and especially my children. I know how blessed my  kids and I are and thank God everyday for loving us.
#thankyouforlovingus #thatlakerightthere

Monday, October 6, 2014

The Higher you climb the more spectacular the view........

I read a scripture this morning..... John 8:12.   I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will  never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.

It was explained to me that God leads us high on the mountain, so we can separate ourselves from this world and all its problems. The higher we climb it feels like there's no oxygen, we can't breath. All along God is there with His hand supporting every step, ready with the oxygen tank. The last 6 months I've been making my way up that mountain. Unaware that God was clearing my head in preparation, changing my heart, renewing my spirit, healing hurts and preparing the future. I thought ok...... I'm trying to deal with this anger and sadness all the while trying to raise healthy girls, send  my son off to college and assure him mom is going to be fine.  Still climbing that mountain!   While I am on that mountain finding my way, God is still right behind me every step of the way.  God will keep me here for awhile..... There is so much he wants me to focus in on that I won't see if  He takes me back off the mountain.  He knows I'm scared of heights too!  I get it! I see what he is doing! He's healing my heart, he's showing me grace, he's showing me how to love and be loved again. He's teaching me forgiveness of others and of myself.

I understand why I am here, I understand why I must push through......... This journey has taught me so much about choosing life! Waking up and choosing to live out every moment! Thanking you God for this mountain I must climb! My vision is clearing and my mind and heart are healing. I'm breathing deeper without help from the oxygen tank ;)

I'm finding my laugh again.......

Saturday, July 12, 2014


Giving myself permission to feel emotions, live life and be happy is tough.  As I travel the road of a widow I am learning to own my journey as MY journey. To others it may look odd or it may seem I choose the most difficult road, but it's my journey. It is not meant for others to judge or even understand. 

Today I wake up thinking about Kirk. I think about the God winks I receive on a daily basis.  Kirk is always letting me know he is walking with me, especially when I am doubting myself or can't seem to take another step. I hear him say....."suck it up, babe I know you can do this" He use to tell me all the time "When I'm not around you can do anything you set your mind to, (change the oil in the car, move the trampoline to mow, move heavy boxes) then when I get home you act like you're helpless" lol!!!!   He is right I can do it, but I loved how he took care of me.  He will always be looking out for me. This I know! 

My sister told me not too long ago that my girls were going to keep me pushing forward. She was so right! I wake up these days because of them! Jess and Drew have lives of their own...... Bailey begins his own life journey this fall.  God brought these two girls to Kirk and I for so many reasons.  Healing power in their life and mine.

Today I feel peace like no other, it's so freeing to let go of the anger.  Thank you sweetheart for walking me through this journey and giving me strength to give myself permission to live again. I will forever listen to the music in my soul that YOU put there.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

New Beginnings

Wow! Feels weird blogging again. So many reasons why I stopped. Sadness, anger, distrust, rebellion..........I could go on and on.  I have actually been keeping a journal, but couldn't bring myself to blog about it. Our loss of Kirk sent me to a dark place of anger and confusion.  I stopped my devotionals, stopped reading my bible, stopped praying. I was mad!  I'm still angry at times, but I'm opening up. God's grace once again. He loves me so much!

It's been three months and yet it feels like he's been gone so much longer.  It's hard for others to understand that statement I'm sure.  Last week we received the final autopsy report. Sporadic Creutzfeldt Jacobs Disease. sCJD.  It is unknown how he got this disease. We will never know. We do know it is not hereditary and for that we PRAISE God. I'm finding my way slowly, trying to stay focused on my kids and my sweet Parker (aka the perfect grandson).  I ride the wave of emotions and they are some crazy waves. I'm thankful for the continued prayers, they have been much needed. 
 I want to slow down, dive back into God's Word, find forgiveness and find a new normal. A New Beginning. One that God shows me, not one that I begin. I will continue to blog as time allows. I'm getting Bailey ready for college in the Fall. That's a whole other prayer request! He's been my rock! I'm so proud of him and he is going to do great things! 

My past is my past and my future is my future. Today, I'm thankful for every moment of love I'm fortunate enough to embrace in the present. I take everything I've learned, every ache of my heart, and every tear in my soul and apply it to my life for every day of my future.

I've chosen to live, laugh and love again.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

I Will Forever.......

It's been so long since I sat down and blogged. Part of that disconnecting I'm so good at:)............

These days before me are game changers. We should meet our hospice nurse next week and learn what to expect in the months to come.  As we enter this phase of the disease I find myself getting so mad at God..........that in itself truly breaks my heart. I know I shouldn't be angry at Him, but I know He is the only one that can make this disease go away. I miss Kirk with every ounce of my being. I'm sorry,but in this blog you may have a hard time finding my words of strength.  My heart is breaking as the love of my life slowly says goodbye.

Today at church we read the Love chapter, One of mine and Kirk's favorites.......

One of the longest definitions of love can be found in I Corinthians 13: 1-13. In today's world love has such a twisted meaning. A love that brings you instant gratification. The love in the bible offers another option. It took me many years to understand how beautiful that love is. It offers patience, it offers kindness, it offers forgiveness, it offers hope. Anything else is counterfeit.

I am so thankful that God let me experience that love with Kirk. I will forever listen to the love song that God sings in my heart. I love you Sweetheart.............

Monday, January 27, 2014

Am I OK?

I had to ask Brittany the other night If I was OK. I think I threw her for a loop, because if I am asking that question then I am probably not OK. Right?

I knew that I had not cried in awhile and that was starting to bother me. I felt detached and numb. I talked it out with her, cause that's just what we do. I talk, she listens. As Kirk declines I have to become more of a caregiver, plus do all I can to leave some of me left for my children. Which in itself is becoming a struggle.  So what I have discovered is that I am going into survival mode during those times. I block off my emotions, detached and face the task at hand head on. Is that healthy? I have no idea. Maybe I will give it the name "caregiver blitz".

We are coming into our 4th month of his 6 month prognosis. I continue to see a decline, but I'm praying believing for more time.

Parker will be here in 9 days. I made Kirk a "Countdown to Parker". Every day he marks it off. He will say "One more day till I am a Pops!" I absolutely cannot wait for these two guys to meet.

This disease is so mysterious. To me, anything that involves the brain is complex, mysterious, but very interesting.  I have had people mention different takes on Kirk's illness. I have been doing my own research. I have found that individuals that would have had Alzheimer's later on in their older age, if they have a trauma in their life it can trigger something in their brain to cause the disease to show itself early and rapidly. Three years ago Kirk had all of his teeth pulled at one visit and had dentures put in. For a man that is petrified of the dentist and never went this was a traumatic experience. I have to wonder if this set off what was destined to happen to Kirk later on in life.

One of my amazing friends took Kirk driving on Saturday. Kirk has been quite upset since the doctor took driving away. She took him driving in an open field and gave him the greatest gifts. Freedom and control. Two things he has lost through this horrible disease.  He had a look of determination. To give you a better picture, just imagine a dog hanging it's head out of the window of a moving car. Yep! That describes it! Thanks Jennifer for that gift! I love you!

To answer my own question......Am I OK? Yes, I am. Do I get down and a bit overwhelmed? Of course I do! I'm never alone, My friends, family and God are right there with me, in the trenches. Thank God I AM OK!